雲花は花のように、
冷たくて悲しい冬の花、
私は哀れです。

Kumo hana wa hana no yō ni, tsumetakute kanashī fuyu no hana, watashi wa awaredesu.

Clouds Bloom like flowers,
winter blossoms cold and sad,
i am pathetic,

persistence in failure

i am sad, miserable, despicable excuse for a human being. i believe it is pretty well established by now. i dont know how else to quantify it. it explains so much in my life so easily. i know i should not be after easy explanations. yet here they are in front of me. you shouldn't really search for answers to hard. that could be considered stubborn at best, and idiotic at worst. no, the answers are here for me to see. i am a failure. an incapable barely functional fool. i have so much now. and yet i still find a way to screw things up. the ways in which i constantly seem to aggravate the happy life that found me are so numerous. most of them preventable. it mires me in this consistent self-loathing. it's all my own doing. and so i continue to fail, i continue to feel the pain of disappointing the one i love the most. and it just continues. i can't say i'm no helpless to stop it. i try. and i fail, and i will keep trying. and just hope that i eventually succeed.

Numb

so i have become privy to knowledge i'd wish i never had... and i don't know how to take it... i love her, and i always will. but i am unsure of how she feels for me... foremostly because she could so easily take the action leading to this... i don't believe she is aware that i know. and i'll do my best to keep it that way.... i'm going to give her a good chance to come clean, if it's even true that is... if it is true... i don't know what i'll do...

but maybe that's an excuse in and of itself.. so then, what for the need of excusing? i have this imposed mental order that i have to up hold, but it cannot be based on justifcation of action through inaction by reasoning.

idk i'm high and being stupid, tis what i do.

made a mistake, made someone very important to me feel abandoned. and i have been pained with that mistake ever since. i'm usually very quick to rationalize mistakes, it's one of my faults, i justify it by the fact that if i don't i usually allow my failings to cripple me as i lose all confidence, but is that even an acceptable reason? i'm very good with excuses. my mom told me i was just like my dad in that respect, always looking for a way out, always making justifications, i never wanted to be like that, i fought so hard against becoming like that, or so i thought. as it seems i've become ever thing i hated, and desired not to become like in that respect. it's... soul shattering, to think that you've become the one thing you hated. the shade, the spectre of your life, and the sudden realization that the only reason that you were over come by any of it was due to your own weakness. and in the end you would be resolved to fail, you'll never be able to fight, in the end you will always be a lazy worthless trifflin nigga...

Genesis

START BLOGGING!

bellowed the command from google.

Oh google, why for art thou desirest my thoughts? so thou canst maketh more ad moneys?

But in all seriousness. i sense it could be fun. i since this could be dangerous, i shy away from these things cause more often than not they over becoming self-serving pity-pulpits from which i whine, bitch, and moan.

But I Digress.


We'll give the old college try...


Now if only i could stop stringing together catchphrases long enough to be myself. keep an eye out and maybe you'll catch a glimspe.















































































































Did i mention im stoned? oh, i didn't? Well then....


Quite.
Ta Ta.

P.s, anyone who can guess the band from which the theme for the blog titles sprang from will be require to join me on an epic journey to the ends of the earth. your face. that is all.